Open Letter to my Midwives (Midwives of NJ)

Lisa, Kim and Christina,

Thank you for helping us through the birth of our daughter Lucy. Even though things got messy when I had the uterine hemorrhage, my birth experience was so much better than the experience I had with an OB. To have you by my side throughout the whole process in the hospital was comforting and reassuring, I felt confident that I could do it and when it came time to push, I felt strong. You were with me throughout the majority of my 12 hour labor, supporting and helping, and making me feel calm. My OB was there for the last 15 minutes of my first birth, and basically came into the room after not seeing me for my 24 hour labor and had to make a decision whether to give me a C-section or Forceps delivery after not having monitored or checked on me the entire time I was in the hospital. The biggest difference I can tell between my first birth and second, is that with you- I felt empowered and in control. The room was dimly lit, I had only a few people in the room guiding me, I followed my instincts when I felt contractions even though I had an epidural, and I felt good about the experience- I wasn't scared. With my first birth, I had a room full of noisy people that didn't need to be there, all shouting at me when to push, nobody would listen to me, nobody could hear me say anything, and I felt like I had absolutely no control. I forever have the image burned into my mind of an intern placing forceps while the doctor yelled at her that she was doing it wrong, and how badly I wanted to scream at them. I felt butchered. I thought I would never have another baby due to the depression, difficulty attaching to my baby and pain I had healing.

I am so grateful to know that a calm birth DOES exist and can be possible. Not calm in the sense that I was quiet- oh no, I was screaming and had dire shooting pain in my right leg, but it was calm in the sense that I felt like I was in control. My attachment to Lucy is incredible, and my feelings for Penny have gotten stronger as I have healed from my first birth experience. I appreciated how hard you worked so that I could breastfeed Lucy when they took her away to monitor her blood sugar and I so badly wanted to nurse her. At the nursery, they said "Here comes the crazy train," but you were there for me, you were my 'crazy train' advocating for my baby to have the best possible start in life (bottle free).

I will be forever grateful for your support, and for making my birth experience positive. The photos you took capture all of the good moments, you did a beautiful job (they look so professional!) and I am so glad we have them. I look back at the birth and don't think about the shooting leg pain or blood transfusion, I think about how powerful I felt, and how beautiful it all was.

I want to thank you for that. I know that if I had another scary birth like my first, where I felt out of control, where my OB wasn't present, and where God forbid I had another episiotomy..I might never emotionally recover. This was my second chance, and it changed my outlook on childbirth forever.

Thank you